Apparently another round of babies will be making their way into the world this spring/summer! Christmas is such a wonderful time to share with others that a new life is on it's way into the world. It's so appropriate, cleansing even. And it is a true joy to have that wonderful news to share. So if you tell someone like me that you are expecting a baby and don't get the pure-joy response you might expect, please don't take offense. I am truly happy for all who are expecting a baby in their lives. Just please understand that each pregnancy announcement serves as a reminder that I do not have that joy growing inside of me. Particularly when ladies have had not one, but two pregnancies inside the time that we have been trying to have a child. New life is such a beautiful, precious thing, and I crave that mother/infant bond so badly that it truly physically pains me at times; an ache that grips my stomach, and a wave of heat followed by a coolness throughout my body. Yes, I crave this relationship that much.
I've been so greatly blessed to have experienced this once- I know how lucky I am. Many people are denied this completely. But I also know the frustration of counting, not in months but in years, how long it has been since wanting to be pregnant again. Most days, I know that God has a plan for us that simply has not been revealed to me yet- and I am well-content with my status as a mother of an only child. But there are days when it hurts, and times when I feel like I should try to "cut a deal" with God. My son has said repeatedly that he would like a brother or sister. I know what an amazing big brother he would be if given the opportunity, and it hurts that I have been unable to make his wish a reality. He has three cousins that he sees a few times a year, and he looks forward to his time with them immensely. He also has a new little cousin on the way, so he's looking forward to that as well. But cousins are not the same as a brother or sister. Nieces and nephews are not the same as a child of your own. A child that you sang to while he was safe and warm inside of you; felt his restlessness and made it your own. Even the teasing reprimands to "stop kicking mommy in the ribs" are missed.
Please understand that it is not the news of someone being pregnant that is difficult- it is the reminder that it provides that I do not have that same joy growing within me. I am excited for mothers, especially first-time mothers. What an amazing gift you have been given! And when I say I would love to babysit, I truly mean it from the depths of my heart. I know how exhausted I was when my son was an infant. We did not at the time have family help us, be it a biological or church family, so I know the exhaustion that creeps in full-force. Days when you would give almost anything, including your "first-born", to get a nap. In retrospect, it is a beautiful exhaustion- but so incredibly difficult to get through at the time. So when I offer to babysit, take me up on it, even if it's "just" so you can take a 30 minute nap. Holding another person's baby doesn't take away the ache inside of me, but it soothes it for a while. Holding a baby, even a crying one, is a beautiful "vacation" for me.
Since I am on the baby thing, please also note: telling me to "relax" and we will get pregnant is just hurtful. And wrong. Most of the time, this "advice" comes from people who have had little trouble getting pregnant. How many people out there have become pregnant while under great times of stress, including the middle of war-zones, rape, disease epidemics? So please don't tell me to relax and it will happen. I know you mean well, so I won't opt to laugh at your advice, but perhaps a better option would be to simply say, "I'm sorry, that must be hard."
In the meantime, I will rejoice both inwardly and outwardly for the exciting news that babies are abounding as I inwardly ache a little at each announcement. I will do my best to not show that part of me because, as the host for such a wonderful, growing gift from God, you deserve to have this precious time unmarred. I won't run up to rub your belly. I may point out how beautiful you look with the pregnancy "glow"- although, I've often wondered if this glow isn't just the increased blood flow to a woman's face as she deals with morning sickness...lol. Pregnancy is exquisite on most women. Even the photos right after a baby is born, when your hair is a mess and you are tired from birthing a new life into this world, you are beautiful. (Except in my case- I was told I looked otherwise by someone, I think "awful" was the word used.) But to me, it is one of the truest visions of love and hope, to see a mother holding her newborn baby regardless of outward appearances. Love and hope that can exist inside a hospital room, a taxi cab, a palace, or even a stable. Perhaps most of all in a stable. For when a light enters an already-lit room, it little-improves the visibility. But when that light, the Light of the World, enters a darkened stable, how much more clearly can love and hope be seen!
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