Lately, I have been misunderstood. Misunderstood in my motives and actions. A lot. This is nothing new to me, and I still get in trouble for it. Chastised. Turned away from. Put down. Blamed.
The first time I remember being misunderstood was in first grade. My next door neighbor sat in the seat behind me. She had just gotten permission from the teacher for a bathroom break. Before my friend returned, the teacher said to pass all papers forward. I turned around to collect papers from those behind me and noticed she had not written her name, so I grabbed a pencil and started to write in her name. The next thing I recall was two hands slamming down hard on my desk, asking me, "Just what are you doing?" I then got a lecture about not damaging other kids' papers, not messing up their work. And didn't I have any respect for my classmates, that I would intentionally try to ruin their hard work? Um...
Being the shy kid that I was- and still am in many ways- I couldn't have said anything even if I had been allowed the chance. Since that day ~27 years ago, I have gained *just* enough courage to speak up for myself if I need to defend my actions. However, I still can't get the words out clearly or fast enough to explain. I trip over my own tongue. The other person doesn't have time to hear me out- or chooses not to listen. The worst of my frustration comes from not having a chance to be heard. To be listened to. So please read this now as a courtesy to me- most of my actions do not have an undercurrent of destruction and mayhem for all those around me. I am trying to help. If it offends you, doesn't help, is out of line or anything else, let me know- but also give me a chance to defend myself.
I think at this point in my life, I am going to try very hard not to help others. To stop doing things or reminding people of their duties so that they don't get into trouble for dropping the ball. I can get myself into trouble just fine all on my own, thank you very much. I don't need to receive the blame that should have fallen on others. So if you see me no longer trying to help others, no longer asking what I can do to be of service, know that I am trying to protect myself for a change. It's selfish, sure. And I imagine it'll be misunderstood as being lazy and not caring for others. I'm going to try not to care. I'm going to try to save some of my time and energy for my family. And I am going to do my level-best to make sure that, though he makes mistakes, my son knows I will hear him out. I will listen. Listen until he is done explaining himself. And I will try to teach him that the only one that can ever truly, fully and unfailingly listen to him is God. "...God, who knows the heart..." -Acts 15:8 And HE is the only one that truly matters.
